The Oncoming Enemy
by The Jolly Gnu
Summary: In the Alternate Universe, Rose and alternate Captain Jack have lured the thirteenth Doctor from his own universe. But Jack may be cooking up a diabolical scheme... The first in maybe a long series. Humour's very strange and all over the place.
1. The Beginning of Things

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Doctor Who, I only _wish _I do. I don't own any of the characters from Doctor Who. The Thirteenth Doctor and Jenny are, however, my own inventions. Anyway, here's my first chapter of my first story. Please review.

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Rose Tyler minced along the streets of London, terrorising little old ladies with her horse-like smile. She pranced into the hallway of the Torchwood building. 

"HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Mr Cybes!!!!!" Rose screamed into the ear of the elderly receptionist, who had been partially cyber- converted a few years ago.

"YOU- WILL- BE- DELETED!"

"That's just what I say to myself every morning, Mr Cybes! A positive outlook makes the world go round!!!"

Just then, Captain Jack walked into the hallway.

"ROSE! MY LITTLE LOVEBOOB!!" he cried in his excruciating accent.

"JACK!! MY BIG CUDDLY ARSE!!!" Rose threw her arms around her fiancée. Since she had discovered an alternate Jack in this universe, she had known where her future lay. They walked into the hyper-lift together, Jack limping a little, as he had been since he started the affair with Mr Cybes.

When the hyper- lift reached the level where Jack spent most of his time, they emerged. They found themselves inexplicably on a very draughty rooftop.

"Just why do you spend all your time on a rooftop?" Rose asked, which was really a very intelligent question for an idiot chav.

"I'm waiting."

"Then wait no longer! Let's do it now!!"

"NO! not waiting for that! Put your clothes back on, woman. I'm waiting for that..." His arm unfurled itself, pointing towards the corner of the rooftop where a large blue box stood.

"What, Jack, my revoltingly sweet guy? All I see is the TARDIS." Jack waited patiently for the sensory messages to make their way from the eyes to the tiny piece of grey fluff Rose called a brain... "THE TARDIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed into the American's ear.

"Yes, my lovely." Jack whined. "Since you told me about your travels with the Doctor in your native universe, I've been attempting to lure- er, I mean- persuade the Doctor to come to this universe. And here he is!! This morning the signal went off to say he had arrived! I-"

But there was no time for more, as Rose had launched herself at the TARDIS doors. At that precise moment, a tall, bored looking man in a long black coat opened the doors and watched with disinterest as the screaming blonde chav whizzed through the doorway and smashed into the TARDIS console beyond.

She passed out.

The thirteenth Doctor brushed an imaginary speck of dust from his tartan waistcoat, and strode forward to meet Jack.

"AHA! I have it! Captain Jack still alive- Rose Tyler knocking herself unconscious all over the place- clouds that look like George Washington- I KNOW WHERE WE ARE!!!"

"Then can I come out NOW?" asked an irritated voice from inside the TARDIS. "Of course, Jenny! In fact, now there is a chav in my TARDIS, it's safer out here than in there!"

Jenny emerged. Taller than Nyssa, brighter than Harry, prettier than Romana, and generally nicer than Jack or Rose, Jenny was pretty much the thirteenth Doctor's ideal companion, as she managed to (somehow) put up with his bad moods. "Alrighty, Doctor, what's going on?"

Jack hopped forward on his good leg, wielding a flashing neon sign saying 'Want to go out with me?' "Well, little lady, I drew you here with my super TARDIS summoner!"

"What utter nonsense!" The Doctor butted in. "You stupid time agent, I came here on purpose! As if anything an American built would actually work! And put down that sign, before Jenny has to put on her "Not a chance, bog off" T-shirt."

"Doctor..." growled Jenny in a threatening tone."WHY and HOW are we in the alternate universe? I thought that was impossible? And aren't you being a little mean to Americans?"

"Soz, Jenny," the Doctor said, turning to her with a smile no- one could be angry with. "I really must remember that most Americans are nice people, especially the scantily clad botanists. However, a few Americans are IDIOTS, like Jack here."

Jack thought it was time to speak out. "HEY! I thought you liked Jack- er, me- the other Jack, from your universe!"

"Yes, sometimes- but not you! That's why I've come here! Because Rose told you about her adventures with the less intelligent me, you now possess the knowledge and the capacity for a spate of evil time- travelling crimes! I'm here to stop you!"

Jenny could stand this no longer. "HIM?" she said incredulously. "A criminal mastermind?"

"Afraid so, Jenny! Stay away- he only wants to get his hands on your assets!"

With a stony face, the annoyed girl turned to face her mentor. "Doctor" she hissed. "That was a truly AWFUL piece of innuendo."

"Terrible but true, m'dear. WATCH OUT!!!!!!!" the Doctor yelled as he shoved his companion out of the path of the laser blast that had just emerged from the barrel of the gun that Jack was holding. (What a long sentence, thought the Doctor.)

"Enough of this prattling!" Yelled Jack.

"Uh-oh" groaned Jenny, picking herself up off the ground. "He uses words like 'Prattling.' He MUST be a villain."

Just then, the hyper-lift doors opened, and out marched Mr Cybes, flanked by two Ice Warriors, the security of the Torchwood building. The Ice Warriors raised their arms, on which rested their sonic destroyers.

"DESSSSSTROY!!" They roared.

Grinning wickedly, Jack strode over to the TARDIS. "My dear Doctor, this was easier than I thought. But sadly, now you must die." His hand resting on the handle of the TARDIS door, Jack raised his laser...

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Oooh, the suspense! 


	2. The Happening of Things

**Disclaimer:** Unfortunately, I still don't own Doctor Who. And now, part two of "The Oncoming Enemy."

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"But now, my dear Doctor, you must die." Jack put his hand on the TARDIS door handle, and as if on cue, Rose burst through the door, sending Jack flying off the roof of the building, his greatcoat flapping about him. Rose gave a scream of delight- she had been pushing at the TARDIS doors for five minutes before remembering the doors opened inwards. She gave another scream of delight. 

"DOCTOR!!! You may've regenerated, but I still recognise you after all this time!! Oh, I knew you would come back again, I knew it, I knew it, I KNEW IT!!" This last sentence rose in pitch until it was almost a screech; the Thirteenth Doctor automatically prepared a Venusian fighting posture, preparing for an oncoming Rose, armed with hugging and, even worse, snogging powers. However, he was saved this trauma as Rose shot straight past him, wrapping her arms around Jenny's shoulders. Jenny looked down at her with an expression of extreme distaste.

"Doctor, Doctor, Doctor," slobbered Rose. "You may be a woman, but I- I must confess, I've always preferred women..."

This was a shock to everyone of the rooftop, but to one person, it was too much.

"OH, WHAT?!?!?!?" Shouted one of the Ice Warriors, in a very human- sounding voice. "So that's why you never wanted to- er, well- get intimate!"

"Egad! The Ice Warriors too? Is there no one you won't resort to- um- relationships with?" Demanded the Doctor.

"Oh, come on, Doctor, it's me!" called the Ice Warrior, waving a claw cheerily.

The Doctor narrowed his eyes. "Varga?" he guessed.

"Nah, it's me!" The Ice Warrior pulled off his head. Jenny, who had just delivered a drop-kick to Rose, raised an eyebrow. From the stump of the Warrior's neck, a human head suddenly sprouted, grinning. "Hello!"

"Mickey!!" The Doctor yelled delightedly. He started forward, but the Ice-Warrior-who-really-was-an-Ice-Warrior raised his weapon, hissing menacingly. Mickey spun round, adopting a very silly gangster posture, shooting at the Ice Warrior.

The Rooftop around them blurred and juddered around them. The Ice Warrior collapsed, dead. Mr Cybes raised his laser rifle, but Jenny shoved Rose at him, sending them both tumbling into the Hyper-lift shaft. Mickey discarded the rest of his disguise, then gave the disgruntled Doctor a high- five. The Doctor glared sourly at him.

"What are you doing here, Mickey? I thought I'd dealt with you, setting you up for a happy life with your Gran, and that rather obliging girl who owned the sweet shop..."

Mickey winked roguishly, smiling at the Doctor and Jenny. "Yeah, but then, I got a job with UNIT..."

"No way!" The Doctor beamed, pleased that one of his ex-companions was doing something useful. "Mind you, I s'pose if Jenny can get a job at UNIT, anyone can..."

"HOI!" Shouted Jenny. "None of that, thank you. Besides, remind me who was their unpaid, scientific guy in ye olde 1970s? Hmm?" The Doctor coughed, looking slightly embarrassed.

"Harrumph," he harrumphed. "Anyway, now Jenny, we've got rid of Jack, and the world is saved!"

"What? Just like that?" Jenny said incredulously. "Aw, swizz."

The Doctor frowned at her, tilting his head to one side. "You know, Jenny, I think you are mellowing."

"Ha! Perish the thought. Shall we be off then?" Jenny replied.

"Righto. Off we go, then. Coming with us, Mickey?"

"Errm... No thanks, Doc. I'm actually getting on with my life in this universe. See you around, Doc."

The Doctor grinned suddenly. "Mayhap."

"Or mayhap not." sneered a cold voice from behind them. The trio turned to see a very angry and battered Jack climb over the rooftop, waving his gun dangerously. "So, I'm destined to become an evil dictator, am I?"

"Ummm... something like that." admitted the Doctor, with a nervous smile.

Jack curled his lip. "Then not even a Timelord should argue with destiny." He raised his laser, and fired.

The Doctor prepared himself for the death from which there would be n regeneration, for he was in his last body. However, death was not forthcoming. He opened one eye a crack, squinting. The smell of smoke reached his nostrils. He turned his head to see his shoulder smoking, and he realised the shot had whipped past his shoulder, cutting his black coat open. Jack raised his gun again, but the Doctor was ready for him. Grabbing hold of Jenny and Mickey, he threw them down onto the floor as the second shot whizzed overhead. By the time Jack had primed his gun for a third time, the Doctor had thrown himself at the American. The pair struggled valiantly on the rooftop, their greatcoats fluttering in the wind. The Doctor swung a fist into Jack's stomach, sending him staggering back, almost to the edge of the roof. As Jack swung his arms to prevent himself from falling, The Doctor leapt forward, wrestling the gun from Jack's grasp. With a look of contempt, the Doctor snapped the gun in two over his knee. Jack gaped at him.

"Now, calm down." The Doctor said to Jack. "I'm not going to hurt you."

Just then, Jack received an unexpected tap on the shoulder. "I, on the other hand," snarled Jenny, "Am a different matter." She grabbed hold of his lapels, seizing him in a passionate kiss.

Mickey picked himself up, looking confused at the two kissers, who were now writhing on the ground. "Now, you see, Mickey, what Jenny here is doing is-er- in essence-um- well-" Jack's eyes rolled up to the whites. "-sucking all the air out of Jack's lungs." Jack collapsed, unconscious. "Now, I want a look in Jack's office, don't you, Jenny?"

"Oh, rather!" said Jenny enthusiastically. The trio walked towards the hyper- lift, but stopped as the Hyper- lift slid into view, carrying five occupants: Rose, Cybes and three Ice Warriors. The Doctor gritted his teeth. Rose screamed at the top of her voice when she saw Jack's prone body.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What have you done to my fantastic Jackypoos?" She shot forward, wrapping her arms around Jack's body, showering it with kisses, making it very soggy indeed. Jack's eyes fluttered open, and on seeing Rose, punched her n the face, then hauled her into the TARDIS, disappearing into it himself.

"Oh no, you don't!" Yelled the Doctor, leaping forwards into the TARDIS, milliseconds before it took off. And Jenny was right where she started, held at gunpoint by Cybes and his Martian lackeys...

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Oh, dear! Next time, The Doctor attempts to stop Jack, while Jenny attempts to find out what Jack is up to in the first place... 


	3. A little bit of Explanation of Things

And now, the long awaited third chapter...

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The Ice Warriors prepared to snuff out Jenny and Mickey's lives. All of a sudden, a helicopter whizzed overhead, firing futuristic beams of light, which blasted all three Warriors to kingdom come. Mr Cybes tried to emergency temporal shift, then remembered he couldn't, so he surrendered. The chopper landed, closely followed by the Helicopter. Brigadier Benton clambered out of the Helicopter, and shook Mickey's hand, then shook Mr Cybes. Ferociously. "Where's this Doctor guy, eh? EH?" he roared into his face.  
"Let me persuade 'im, guv." Murmured the chopper in Benton's ear.  
Benton looked nervously at the chopper. "I don't think that'll be necessary." he said hurriedly. The chopper sighed, shouldered his axe, and emergency temporal shifted into the next chapter.  
Jenny frowned at Benton. "The Doctor's in the TARDIS. MY TARDIS." she said grumpily. Mickey, who thought he should have at least one line this opening, peered into the sky. "But where's he going?" He asked in what he hoped was a suspenseful voice, but which he had a sneaking suspicion was akin to someone with a bad cold. 

In the TARDIS, Jack lounged in the chair with built-in toaster in the arm. Rose did a seductive dance in front of him. Round the other side of the console, the Doctor crouched, peering over the top of the console and wincing at Rose's gyrations. He popped open the panel next to his knee and started fiddling with the circuitry within. He jabbed a pen into the console interior. There was a large explosion, the Doctor was thrown backwards through the doors, and Rose was thrown forwards, getting her nose firmly jammed in the toaster. The Doctor clung desperately to the door, the whirling time vortex behind him. He felt his feet age three years as his flailing body whipped between time streams; he felt corns and bunions forming. Suddenly, a jet of pure Arton energy flew into the TARDIS, causing it to lurch forwards; he toppled inside. Systems went into overdrive; the toaster exploded, vapourising Rose's nose. Jack grabbed a crowbar and swung it at the Doctor's head. The Doctor grabbed Jack's wrist, and for a moment, the two stared into each other's eyes. Then the moment was gone, and Jack was on the floor with a Chinese burn. Rose ran forward. The Doctor looked up, and he appealed to Rose's better nature, despite the fact that he wasn't sure she had one. "Rose!" he pleaded. "He only wants you for your armaments"  
"And what armaments they are, too." Jack murmured woozily from the floor.  
"Rose, listen! Come with me, get a replacement nose and help me kill Jack"  
"What? But you don't kill!?!" spluttered Jack from the floor. "People change." sneered the Doctor. "I've seen what you do in the future. I can't let it happen. I CAN'T!"

Benton, Mickey and Jenny ran to Jack's office. "So how come the TARDIS is yours now?" Mickey asked. "I'll explain later." Jenny shot back. They arrived at Jack's office door. Benton hurled a grenade at it. The door curved inwards, then evaporated. The swirling void of the Time Vortex filled the doorway, causing Mickey and Benton to shrink back. "My eyes! The pain!" squawked Mickey.  
"I see it!" shouted Jenny. "A portal into some kind of time corridor!" This said, she grabbed Mickey's hand and pulled him into the Vortex. Benton could only watch as they were dragged into the bulging, oozing mass of the Vortex...

The TARDIS zoomed through the Vortex. The Doctor threw back switch after switch in an attempt to stabilise the TARDIS. Finally the TARDIS came to a dead stop. Jack sat in the chair, tying a bandage around Rose's head, covering the place where her nose had been. The Doctor stared at him grimly. "Well, here we are." he said grimly. "The third year of the Harknessian empire. We're on the Moon, of course; you turn the Earth into a pile of Radioactive gloop six months previously. You're using it as fuel for your foul time travelling warheads. You're on the breakthrough of getting those warheads through into neighbouring universes; you're about to take the multiverse by storm. And that's where I come in." The Doctor withdrew a small gun from his pocket, levelling it at Jack.  
"Careful, Doc." Jack spluttered. "You know what I'm like around guns"  
"Really? It's stopwatches in my universe." The Doctor murmured. He squeezed the trigger, trying not to think about all the things Jack had squeezed in his time. One of these things was Rose, who now whacked the Doctor on the back of the head, knocking him out.

The Doctor came to, groaning. Jack was standing triumphantly over him. With a start, the Doctor realised that he was no longer in the TARDIS, but on the surface of the Moon. Fires blazed in the habitat domes around them, and miserable looking, scantily clad slaves coughed dazedly nearby. Jack drew a wicked- looking knife from his pocket, and held it to the Doctor's throat. "This time, there'll be no mistakes." he hissed...

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If I can be bothered, I'll work out why Jenny owns the TARDIS, and put it in a later story. Please review, it means I get at least some emails.

Next time, a bit more innuendo, and Rose is fitted with a sonic nose...


	4. The Discovery of Things

Well, the long awaited (by nobody) chapter 4 of Oncoming enemy. Loads of innuendo added at the behest of the Scarf Warriors (yay) and so begins the penultimate episode of Oncoming Enemy...

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"This time, there will be no mistakes." sneered Jack, as he prepared to slit the Doctor's throat.

In desperation, the Doctor yelled out to the noseless Rose. "Rose! Quick! What's the capital of France?"

"Erm- erm- upper-case P!" guessed Rose.

Jack dropped his knife in shock. The Doctor quickly knocked it away (but didn't knock it up- Jack had done that already).

"WHY THE HELL WOULD IT BE AN UPPER-CASE P?" Jack screamed at Rose in disbelief.

"Doesn't Phrance begin with Ph?" asked Rose. Jack had to stop and think about this, giving the Doctor time to make good his escape. He leapt up, his black coat flapping around him. Jack turned, but suddenly they were all hit by Jenny and Mickey emerging from a time portal in the sky. Everyone was knocked unconscious...

The Doctor came to. Rose was standing over him triumphantly. As the fog in the Doctor's vision cleared, he also noticed that:

a) Rose had a new, sonic nose,

b) Rose had a console full of advanced looking equipment next to her,

c) Rose was half naked (The Doctor did his best in later years to forget which half).

"Now, Doctor!" beamed Rose. "You will give me what I want!"

My life is over, thought the Doctor. My part in this adventure is done.

He then tried to stop thinking innuendo, but then all he thought of was Rose, and anything is preferable to that. Rose laughed, while behind her, the skies burned. This is a sight terrible to behold.

Suddenly, there was the sound of somebody emergency temporal shifting! The chopper appeared, holding a neutron grenade.

"Here, Doc, catch!" Yelled the chopper. The Doctor caught, hurling the grenade at Rose and the consoles nearby. Rose screamed as her equipment exploded. Jack stopped what he was doing, and ran over to the burning consoles.

"My work- ruined!" he screamed. Mickey thwacked him over the noggin with a piece of tubing, and he collapsed. Jack collapsed, too.

Jenny climbed to her feet, abseiled up her knees, then grappled up her thighs. Then she woke up from the rather bizarre dream about her giant statue.

"Hey, Doctor! You're alive!" she called. The Doctor realised this a moment later, and was most relieved. Jenny, however, had just realised that this meant she would have to share the TARDIS toilet, and so became rather grumpy. She randomly decided to try an make the Doctor jealous, so she ran over and hugged Mickey. The Doctor, however, was thinking something along the lines of; If things work between Mickey and Jenny, maybe I'll get the TARDIS back! He decide to let things run their course.

When things had reached the finishing line, they emergency temporal shifted away. The Doctor snatched up the rope they had used to mark out their course, and handed it to Jenny and Mickey. Jenny tied up Jack, while Mickey did Rose.

"I have to hand it to you." said the Doctor, handing the sonic screwdriver to them. "How did you find me here?

"We didn't." replied Jenny irritably. "We just jumped down some rubbish time portal and ended up here. Grim place, isn't it?"

"Yerse!" cried the doctor. "But why did the time portal deposit you here? This must be a gap, nay, more of a stress on the Time Vortex! Which means- this is the moment- of an ALMIGHTY PARADOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mickey ran up. "An ALMIGHTY PARADOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?" he asked. "Something with that many exclamation marks can't be good."

The Doctor leapt up and down sedately. "Of course!" he bellowed into Jenny's ear. "But I wonder what..."

Suddenly, two familiar figures appeared. These figures were the number 3 and the number 9. They appeared to be walking dejectedly, as the other slaves heckled them from the slave-pits. "GO AWAY!" they called. "WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU! YOU'RE TOO ODD!!!"

Just then, Rose and Jack appeared. However, this was not Rose and Jack as the Doctor had just seen them. This Jack had a grey hair, a Rassilon's moustache, and a naked woman down his trousers. This Rose had a sonic nose with improved chip- cooking ability, a funky hat with a picture of the tenth doctor's face on, and an attendant mechanical Ice Warrior, with detachable parts.

"Cripes!" Yelled Jenny "That's the future Rose and Jack! They'll meet the present Rose and Jack and thus will occur the ALMIGHTY PARADOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!! as you foretold!"

The present Rose and Jack were being freed from their bonds by Mr Cybes, who had just appeared through the Time Portal, and they stood up, just as future Rose and jack walked up. The Doctor braced himself for the ALMIGHTY PARADOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to occur...

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Oh, my giddy uncle, spinning round and round. He jiggles Rose, he jiggles Jack, and the Police him they do impound... 


	5. The Paradox of Things

Right, final chapter (ends on a cliffhanger, cos this is a trilogy). Enjoy, and FLAMING WELL REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The Doctor took a deep breath, and opened his eyes. His whole body felt compressed, sweaty and shaking. He looked down and frowned. He prised Mickey away from his torso. Mickey grabbed hold of the floor, and he shook that, too. Jenny crawled over, and bellowed calmly into Mickey's ear.

"IT'S OVER, YOU PLONKER! NOTHING HAPPENED!"

"Correct!" yelled the Doctor. "But why? Why, oh why, oh whywhywhy?!?!?" Running his fingers through his already sticking-up hair, he leapt up and down. "Yes! By the beard of Rassilon, I have it!"

"Don't give it to me, then." Jenny said warily.

The Doctor cackled at the sky. "Yes! I'm right! I'm right, aren't I?" His face suddenly became downcast. "I could be wrong, though. What if I'm wrong?"

"ABOUT WHAT?!?" Jenny yelled exasperatedly.

"I- nah, better not say. I might be wrong."

Jenny fumed monstrously. "Doctor, you might also be RIGHT. So what is it?"

The Doctor looked up at the burning air. He gulped. "The main event might not have happened yet."

Meanwhile, Rose trolled up to Jack and attempted to jiggle him. He turned and chopped one of her ears off. Then he chopped one of Rose's ears off. Rose screeched wearily. This was of course the future Jack, and he turned to the future Rose, just in time to see one of her ears fade into the ether. He thought nothing of this at the time. This would later prove to be a mistake.

Meanwhile, present Jack was busy (but not busty- Rose was good enough for both of them) sightseeing. Suddenly, the Chopper started blowing things up at random, and things flew through the air. The things were very grumpy about this, as they were only in this story for random wordplay. The chopper spotted Jack (with paint, we hope) and rushed towards Jack, breaking his nose. (Jack's nose, that is, the chopper is too good to accidentally harm himself (we hope)).

"Ow!" Yelled Jack. "You shilly shaushage! You've broken my noshe!"

"Ach nein!" Yelled Rose. "And I've lost an ear! Thankfully we chavs can stand more pain!" (The truth is, a chav's brain is too small to detect pain.) "What were you doing, Jack, my alluring American?"

"Shightsheeing." replied Jack, and was immediately censored by a man with a very large mallet. Cowering at the size of the man's weaponry, Jack tried to explain that 'shight' meant 'sight,' but the man thought he was taking the Mickey.

"No, that would be me." called The Doctor. Sure enough, the Doctor was taking the Mickey, dragging him away into a nearby factory.

"Now," The Doctor said to the Mickey, "I don't know why the writer has made you more important by adding a prefix of 'the,' but that's got to stop!"

"Right!" said Mickey.

"I have a plan." added the Doctor.

"Right!" said Mickey.

"You're going to help me." concluded the Doctor.

"Right!" said Mickey, and left. This caused problems, as no- one was quite sure what direction his character was going in. Eventually Jenny prised him from the ceiling, and gave him a dressing down. However, the Doctor misheard her, and presented Mickey with his finest velvet dressing gown.

Suddenly, the Doctor felt a shiver down his spine. "Jenny, please remove that ice cube." he requested.

"Not me." Jenny replied. "I dropped it down Mickey's trousers in chapter 2." They both looked up at Mickey, who concentrated for a moment, then leapt up and ran round in a circle screaming. Meanwhile, the Doctor had come to the conclusion that there was a gun in his back.

"Jenny, there's a gun in my back." he informed her, as if she hadn't got enough on her plate trying to retrieve her ice cube.

"Is it a Jolly gun?" Mickey asked. The Doctor investigated, and found that far from being jolly, this gun was being held in the hand of none other than Jack, who was flanked by Rose, Mr Cybes and an Ice Warrior.

"Hello!" beamed the Doctor. "I'm the Doctor!"

"Things have taken a turn for the worse." Jenny noted, and sure enough, things turned the corner and fell into a big swirly vat, the type that conveniently turns up in factories in action movies. This gave the Doctor an idea.

"That gives me an idea." The Doctor agreed.

I just said that, moaned the narrator.

"So? You don't count." replied the Doctor. "You don't even have speech marks."

That's speechist, complained the narrator.

""""""""""""""""""""""""""" Replied the Doctor.

You're mocking me, sobbed the narrator. Just 'cos I can't do it, doesn't give you the right to-

"I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THESE FEEBLE JOKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Jack.

Just then, future Jack and Rose turned up on a random factory inspection.

"We're on a random factory inspection." whined Jack.

Oh gods, now everyone's doing it, said the narrator.

"Ha ha." chuckled Jenny.

Right, I resign.

* * *

"Oh, alright, we're sorry." apologised the Doctor. "We won't do it again."

And now, back to the story.

"Hey!" Rose nattered. "Those are those random people who look vaguely like us!" And sure enough, there were Rose and Jack, walking towards Rose and Jack.

"I'm confused." said Mickey.

"What a surprise." sneered Jenny. To avoid looking into Mickey's hurt face, Jenny made the foolish decision of looking into Rose's face. "Hey! When did Rose lose an ear?" she asked.

The Doctor put on his 3D glasses to look at Rose without brain damage. Then he gasped. "Jenny! You're a genius!" He yelled softly.

"I know." Jenny smirked.

"Hey! Emperor Harkness!" The Doctor bellowed. The future Jack turned to face the Doctor.

"Doctor." He hissed.

"YAY! You recognise me! How sweet." The Doctor smiled disarmingly. Mr. Cybes' gun flew out of his hand and an Ice Warrior sonic weapon exploded. "Now, Emperor. Do you realise who these nice people who look like you are?"

"Who?" Jack whinged. "Not those people who almost destroyed our Empire by bloodsucking and terrorism?"

"No, not lawyers." Muttered The Doctor. "They are clones, created to destroy you!"

"RIGHT!" screamed Jack mildly. He whipped out his gun.

"NO! Put your weaponry away!" Yelled present Jack. "It's me! Er, you! Don't shoot yourself!" Jack shot him. Jack toppled back, smashing into valuable equipment and ruining several working parts. He fell into a vat of lava and boiled away to nothing.

Rose screamed; "Eek." she went.

Rose whined; "Eek," she went as future Jack disappeared into Time. Future Rose whipped a bazooka from her knickers and fired it at present Rose, blowing her arm off. Rose was blasted back into a wall, cracked her skull on a tile and expired.

History reset itself History History History reset itself History reset itself reset itself reset reset History itself reset itself History reset itself...

"Well, thank goodness that's over." The Doctor grinned round at Jenny, Mickey, the chopper and Benton as they stood in the Torchwood. "You see, the ALMIGHTY PARADOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Occurred when Jack and Rose killed each other. And in just a few seconds..." He clicked his fingers as time regurgitated Jack and Rose. Quickly, Benton and the chopper arrested Jack. Mickey did Rose.

"Well, that's them under lock and key." smiled Benton. "Now, Doctor, I suppose you'll be returning to your own universe?"

"That's just the thing." sighed the Doctor. "I haven't the foggiest how to get home."

"Oh dear. Tsk, tsk." Benton tsked.

Jenny started climbing the stairs to her TARDIS, which had returned to the roof.

Benton grinned. "I know! Smith!" Mickey saluted. "I order you to see the Doctor safely through his journey in this universe!"

"Sah!" Mickey acknowledged. The Doctor grinned.

"Come on then, Mickster." He chuckled. "Good to have you back on board." The two men shook hands, but were rudely interrupted by the sound of Jenny yelling, and the TARDIS dematerialising.

VWORP, VWORP...

They pelted up the stairs and dashed into the disappearing TARDIS,

VWORP, VWORP...

just in time to see-

VWORP, VWORP...

* * *

Who's been Doctorin' the TARDIS? They're sure to make our a hero a Doctor in distress, but will he be driven to wonder Who is the Doctor...? 


End file.
